How to Impress a Maltese-Canadian

Kif inti sabieh!

Today is a banner day in the life of my baby sister's boyfriend. For the first time, he shall meet my parents. Surely, this is a sign of respect and commitment on both sister and boyfriend's part and, at the same time, my relatives everywhere are saying, "tenks be to gohd" because we have taken the first step in bringing one more into the fold that is the ever-burgeoning Maltese-Canadian extended family.

But what does this mean? The uninitiated may think, "Oh, they're just like my own parents." Not so! And don't EVER suggest they'd be just like Italian-Canadians.

So here, as a token of my good will toward Sister's Love Muffin "and, wit' Santa 'Lena's help, future ziu ta' bint" I write a handy list of things to know about the Maltese in order to impress.

- You should know that Popeye, Troy and parts of Gladiator were filmed in Malta.
- Maltesers were not invented in Malta.
- Maltese terriers actually were first bred in Malta.
- The eight-pointed cross you see hanging on walls or car grills, key chains, door knockers, crocheted doilies and necklaces is the Maltese cross.
- The Maltese Falcon has nothing to do with Malta.
- The goddess temples in Malta date back to an estimated 5000 BC, making them the oldest structures in the world. And Stonehenge looks like a jumble of big rocks in comparison.
- If you don't eat the fish or gbenit, hate sports and Elvis, and have no interest in talking politics, you will need to find another way to impress a Maltese dad.
- If you have lousy dinner table manners, a Maltese mum will be highly unamused - and above all, do not fart, spit, or burp anywhere around her.
- Maltese believe in the evil eye.
- There is no point in having a debate on the merits of turning Jehovah Witness, or being Muslim.
- "Deh Jahnkshin" is on "Dahndas."
- You won't need a translator. Most Maltese speak English well and you will never forget a Maltese accent. Moosh veru.
- If you are an accountant, or are otherwise good with money, you will greatly impress your Maltese mother-in-law.
- If you run your own business, or have built something on your own, your Maltese father-in-law will be very impressed.
- Remember the Maltese father's motto: "If it's free, it's good for me!"
- The Maltese grandmother is the queen.
- If you are invited to a Maltese gathering, get familiar with the likes of qassatat, pastizzi, rabbit stew, figolli, and qaq tal ahsel. And weight gain.
- If you are Catholic but you weren't confirmed and didn't do your communion, don't mention it!
- Most Maltese take exception if you say, "I've heard Malta is like Italy or Greece."
- If you are over 22 and not married, a Maltese grandmother will think you must have some sort of physical problem or disease.
- If you have been married for a year and are childless, the novenas have begun.
- It is always gold. Even better if you bought it from a Maltese jeweller.
- If you don't understand horseracing, or don't drink hard liquor, you won't get on a Maltese grandfather's good side.
- Never, ever refuse food.
- Always give a gift of money to a Maltese wedding. And it better cover the cost of the plate.
- If you have a Maltese wedding, it must have at least these three things: a sweets table, lots of dancing, and a host bar.
- If you don't know what Kinnie is, find out!
- If you hate to talk, you better be good at listening.
- If you have something to say at a Maltese gathering, say it loudly.
- Know your Maltese celebs: Edward De Bono, (lateral thinking), Jason and Justine Bateman (actors), Robert Palmer (born in Britain but was raised in Malta)
- Everyone has an Auntie Mary and a cousin Charlie ("Chahli"). Many are related to men named Carmen or Juzi and sometimes even Shmoon.
- You don't have to have a Maltese background to impress a Maltese family.

Jabon u laham!