You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Lusts You

I live on Wisteria Lane.

I was putting the garden to bed when I heard someone getting, uh, bedded. It was my neighbour who came to her backyard to skank with someone who wasn't her husband. Granted, I haven't seen the husband around much, but he does show up now and again.

Either I was very quiet or my neighbour didn't care, but I heard them come out the door and then she said, "Let's go up against the back fence." Yeah, where I was only about 10 feet away.

Apparently, my neighbour likes to talk dirty when she's having sex.

I didn't want to make a sound because I feared they'd freak out on me and, well, wouldn't that make for months and months of awkward moments on the shared driveway? I stopped ripping out the tiger lilies and just sat there wishing I had my iPod and hoped – prayed – that the cordless phone I brought outside wouldn't ring.

I waited until the fence stopped bobbing back and forth, making a mental note that maybe we should reinforce the posts sometime in case we get another tornado. And I hope it was all worth it for them because it was only about 10 minutes.

But this isn't the first time and I'm worried there might be something in the water. This summer, the couple directly across the street from me split up. I saw him bring home a young slip of a thing, but the wife is back now.

Down the road and across the street, a woman kicked out her husband. I think he had some drug dependency issues, but the guy's pretty cool. He rides weird bikes and can balance several coffees while doing so. He came back after about two weeks.

The gay couple who live on the corner had a falling out last spring. One guy threw all this shit out on the lawn and I heard the other guy say, "You can't kick ME out. This is my house, remember?" A very young man came around quite often after that.

And then there's the mother of the children my kids play with. They live a few doors away. She was having an affair with her children's teacher and then had the balls to kick out her husband to move the boyfriend in. Moxie! Mind you, this boyfriend had it done to him a few years ago. His now ex-wife was fucking the teenaged babysitter (male and about 20 years her junior) and got pregnant. Baby Boy is friends with said love child.

Don'tcha love small towns? Fuck. And I mean that figuratively and literally. Just call me Mrs. Kravitz.