I Hope I Never Have to Hear Jamie Foxx Sing Like Ray Charles Again

I made a great chicken stir-fry with Udon noodles for dinner then left the family to fend for themselves while I hunkered down to watch the Superbowl for women and gay men.

And yet, like Chinese take-out, I was left still hungry somehow. It was kinda boring, really. Though I applaud their attempt at brushing off the dust of previous telecasts by putting the nominees on stage and delivering some awards in the aisles, I was still struck at how there was that level of superiority and superficiality to it all. And the Oscar goes to Hilary Swank...Annette Bening, get your loser ass off the stage now and find your seat next to your old git husband.

And, eww, did you see Melanie Griffith? Her face was pulled tighter than Saran Wrap over my leftover meatloaf. Does she think that looks normal ? I guess if she's in a room with Cher and Joan Rivers, then, yeah, she's looking just fine.

Didn't Johnny Depp look like a French Buddy Holly? The middle boy wants to have hair like Adam Duritz, the Sideshow Bob singer for Counting Crows. And I don't know why everyone is raving about Cate Blanchett's dress. I mean, it suited her body type and was very elegant in cut but yellow and brown? That's pee-pee and poo-poo colours. Mike Myers had some weird-ass tan.

I thought Kate Winslet looked very lovely, as did Salma Hayek, Halle Berry and that actress who starred in Maria Full of Grace. I liked the waiter look on Usher but not on Spike Lee.

But as my mother says, "Why should I take fashion advice from someone whose favourite article of clothing is a bowling shirt from Goodwill?"

Fake isn't only reserved for their boobs