Me and My Big Mouth

There's a governing body for fitness instructors in Canada, and I took their course last weekend so I could be certified as a specialist.

The other instructors I work with all told me to skip the classes and just take the exam. But since I didn't have a science background like they did, I signed up for the classes anyway. I took another staff member with me, R, a high schooler but an old soul. She's studying to teach Zumba, a Latin dancercise class.

We were quite happy to be going, taking it all very seriously, and really hoping to learn tons. We got in to the university with seconds to spare and took our seats just as the pro trainer was introducing herself and wanted introductions from the 21 of us in the class.

Maybe because it was in a university, but half of them were kinesiology students. Two older women wanted to open up their own gym in their small town. One guy with a brain injury and could barely put two coherent words together wants to teach Body Combat (good luck and God speed). One woman wanted to teach Step at her local GoodLife.

At this point, the trainer said that teaching the Les Mills programs at GoodLife is horrible. "There's no personality to them. The music is the same. The moves are the same. They're even given cues that they have to say."

And then they got to me. "Hi. My name is Jen and unlike most of you, it's been about 20 years since I've stepped foot inside a university. And unlike many of you, I don't work in healthcare or nutrition or athletics per se. But I am a Body Pump instructor, certified by Les Mills International.

"And I take issue with your comment about GoodLife and Les Mills.

"Yes, the music is the same. You can go to any of the 72 countries in the world that have Les Mills programs and the music will be the same, regardless of the language spoken. They spend millions on great music. It keeps people coming in.

"Yes, the moves are the same. They are choreographed and approved by a team of fitness professionals and medical personnel to ensure they are fun and safe and reachable for all levels of fitness.

"Yes, we have compulsory cues. They're always there so we're mentioning the technique needed to perfect and perform the moves in a safe but effective way.

"But boring? I take offence to that. My Pump class would be different from yours or hers or his because we're all individuals with a unique style and unique focus. And there's even a difference in classes because of the participants. I have young and middle-aged members on Monday and retired folk on Tuesday.

"And I know I'm not alone. There's a reason why GoodLife is the number one gym in Canada."

I'm pretty sure the trainer had some spin experience because there was some serious backpedalling.

Of course, there were other things that got my heart rate up, and it wasn't the endless fricking grapevines I had to do. Oh, yes, we spent 90 minutes on musicality: how to find the beat in a song. Seriously, everyone had White Man's Overbite. I wanted to cry, it was so frustrating. I ended up trying to wrap up the discussion by saying, "If I could impart my experience here, may I say that musicality comes with practice. You'll learn to identify the downbeat, learn to talk in cadence with practice. You're not going to come out of this class being as good as our trainer here."

"Or Jen," R added. Sweet kid.

This came after spending scant amount of time on anatomical issues, which was what I came for. But in a room of kinesiology students, I suppose my needs were trumped.

We had to choreograph two warm-ups on the first day. The first one was a high/low one to be done alone. I had to go first because I had instructing experience. I've never done anything like that before in my life, but I whipped something together, faking it completely. I even worked in some jokes about how I wished I had a bar and 50 pounds instead. So what I lacked in aerobic knowledge, I made up for it in personality.

Knowing I wasn't a bouncy-bouncy girl, I was then matched up with the two guys in the class to do a cardio-kickboxing thingie. I have no experience with that so I let the boys show me the moves and I led the class from there. "That was the best kickboxing demonstration I've seen," the trainer said.

"Great, because I didn't know what I was doing there either!" I told her.

So when it came to choreographing a muscle portion (I had to demonstrate interval training), I incorporated lots of creative but effective moves. Frankly, I rocked the house. I mean, I better! But then the trainer had the cojones to CORRECT MY FORM! On DEADLIFTS! That's probably the easiest thing in the world to do. I coached the proper Les Mills way: tip from the hip, bar held with hands just outside your hips, tummy in, toes out at 11 and 1, knees slightly bent, taking the bar to the top of the kneecaps while having it just skim the thighs. The trainer told everyone that a deadlift goes away from the legs and as close to the floor as possible.

"That may be true if one were to work with a personal trainer or on their own," I interjected, "but that is entirely unsafe form to be teaching in a group exercise setting. If someone in my class couldn't reach that far and hurt themselves, then I'd be up the creek."

"Oh, you and your big corporation. You're so wrapped up in legal issues." And she moved on.

The weekend was a complete Gong Show. R and I debriefed our team leader on the next day. Our stories made her visibly shake with anger.

"It's just too bad we need the certification," she said. "And maybe too bad for you because guess who will be marking your exam, Jen."