You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Lusts You

I live on Wisteria Lane.

I was putting the garden to bed when I heard someone getting, uh, bedded. It was my neighbour who came to her backyard to skank with someone who wasn't her husband. Granted, I haven't seen the husband around much, but he does show up now and again.

Either I was very quiet or my neighbour didn't care, but I heard them come out the door and then she said, "Let's go up against the back fence." Yeah, where I was only about 10 feet away.

Apparently, my neighbour likes to talk dirty when she's having sex.

I didn't want to make a sound because I feared they'd freak out on me and, well, wouldn't that make for months and months of awkward moments on the shared driveway? I stopped ripping out the tiger lilies and just sat there wishing I had my iPod and hoped – prayed – that the cordless phone I brought outside wouldn't ring.

I waited until the fence stopped bobbing back and forth, making a mental note that maybe we should reinforce the posts sometime in case we get another tornado. And I hope it was all worth it for them because it was only about 10 minutes.

But this isn't the first time and I'm worried there might be something in the water. This summer, the couple directly across the street from me split up. I saw him bring home a young slip of a thing, but the wife is back now.

Down the road and across the street, a woman kicked out her husband. I think he had some drug dependency issues, but the guy's pretty cool. He rides weird bikes and can balance several coffees while doing so. He came back after about two weeks.

The gay couple who live on the corner had a falling out last spring. One guy threw all this shit out on the lawn and I heard the other guy say, "You can't kick ME out. This is my house, remember?" A very young man came around quite often after that.

And then there's the mother of the children my kids play with. They live a few doors away. She was having an affair with her children's teacher and then had the balls to kick out her husband to move the boyfriend in. Moxie! Mind you, this boyfriend had it done to him a few years ago. His now ex-wife was fucking the teenaged babysitter (male and about 20 years her junior) and got pregnant. Baby Boy is friends with said love child.

Don'tcha love small towns? Fuck. And I mean that figuratively and literally. Just call me Mrs. Kravitz.

And Right In the Middle of Oktoberfest, Too

A recent poll was taken in Germany. It asked if people thought there were any positive things the Nazis did. About a quarter of the people surveyed said that they actually did a few good things.

Okay, so for anything Germans may appreciate the Nazi party for doing, it all be negated when you remember, oh yeah, they killed 11 million people.

Saying, "The Nazis built a terrific highway" or whatever is akin to saying, "Sure, Paul Bernardo is a child killer, but he always kept his lawn immaculate."

I am the Curse of the Leafs

Did you see the game last night? I had the kids all tucked into bed and went to watch at least the third period. The Leafs were up by two goals by the end of the second. Barfalo quickly scored two goals. I went looking for my knitting and the Leafs scored. I sat back down on the chesterfield. It was tied at the end of regulation. End of the third period, and I decided to wash my face and get ready for bedtime. By the time I got back, they were well into overtime which was just about to end and the Leafs scored on their own net.

Is it a coincidence that the Leafs got scored on every time I was watching? Some may think so, but this happens all the bloody time to me. True story.

"I'm the curse of the Leafs," I said to my dad not too long ago. I explained the way they're always scored upon when I'm actually watching the TV and how they score when I'm having a sneezing fit or went to answer the phone or yawning with my eyes closed or looking down to my crafting.

"Don't be ridiculous, honey," Dad said. "You may not remember it, but you were alive when they last won the Cup."

"Uh, no I wasn't, Dad."

"I thought you bled blue and white! They won the Cup in 1967 and you were born..." He looked at me funny.

"Shit, sweetheart. Stop watching the games, okay?"

Huh?

Riddle me this: last night I had a dream that one of my teeth fell out. It was loose. I flossed and it just popped out. No blood. I woke up and I was holding a book I'm reading (Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay) with two hands in the air.

I'm having a great hair day today. It's kinda doing this Laura Petrie thing.

This Boring Post Asserts My Fatigue

Thanksgiving has come and gone. We had it at Baby Sister and Home Chef's place where the guy actually barbecued the turkey. It was incredible!

I got in lots of snuggle time with Middle Sister's youngest. The others had no use for any of us, but isn't that de regeur?

A few days before that, I went out with mommy friends. Jools and I and one other had the foresight to grab a bite to eat prior. Okay, we also split a litre of wine, but we had some gourmet pizza which didn't sit right with me somehow. Hmmm, how do I settle an upset stomach? I drink something bubbly. So we went to a bar where several others caught up with us. Jools ended up going home early. The rest of us stuck around until this band came on. They were exceptionally loud and, er, not my taste. Most everyone left at that point. Slowplum, her boss (!) and I hit another bar. After one more pint, I seriously felt like I just ate two loaves of bread. I had one drink an hour, so I was alright, but I've never felt full from a night of drinking. Weird. I stuck around, though. At 3 am, we started to walk home. Slowplum could barely walk so I rolled her to my place and gave her a lift. One of the merits of living in a small town is that no one lives further than seven minutes away. Good thing. I was tired. I must be getting old.

Baby Boy had a sleepover guest last night. It was a girl!!! He's at that age where there is no difference between girls and boys, so it's no big whup that his best friend doesn't wear y-fronts. I would have had this girl over any time, but as it was, I was helping her parents out with some babysitting while they went to a party out-of-town. This little girl has been in my care since she was a wee baby. Her mother and I have been trading off babysitting for years because if you can be without kids while you're getting a pap test, it makes an unpleasant task a little more bearable.

But as it is, I woke up at 2:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I was hoping to fuck off today and maybe sneak in a nap, but I just can't. I don't feel like doing any work either, mind you.

Womb With a View

"Can I play with my friends over at the church?" Daughter asked me yesterday while I was painting the porch. "There's something going on there. They're with their mums. Is that okay?"

"I guess it's fine. Just don't roll into traffic!" And as she took off, it dawned on me. The mums were there, with enfants, to join the Life Chain. That would be a line of people on Main Street showing support for the pro-life cause. My daughter. Mine.

Sure enough, she came home and had a million questions. "What exactly IS abortion?" I was unsure how to handle this one. How to explain the pro-life/pro-choice debate without getting too detailed or without clouding her with my opinions?

I chose to explain in very general terms but nothing vague and no lies. I think she's old enough to talk about this. We've already discussed the whole menstruation thing. I don't want her to think she's bleeding to death, you know?

But as I begun, she asked, "Would you have gone?"

Husband walked by at that precise time and laughed, "Mum would only go there to heckle!" So now I had to explain why, which I did again in general terms.

"Yeah, I thought it wasn't your thing," she said. "Actually, my friends asked if you'd be coming and I said that you probably wouldn't because you probably gave women abortions."

!!!

"Um, what gave you that impression?"

"I dunno," Daughter said. "You know a lot about women's health stuff and I remembered you volunteered at a family planning clinic. Some lady said that they give women abortions at those clinics."

So now Daughter knows about:
- menstruation
- abortion
- the birth control pill and other contraceptives
- the political system and women's current access to health care of their choice

But I haven't really talked about sex yet.

All I wanted to do yesterday was put a second coat of paint on the porch, dammit.