Country Roads, Take Me Home

Have you ever travelled across Canada? I have, admittedly only from Toronto to the very west coast. The furthest east I've ever been was Kingston, until this weekend. But I love seeing sleepy little towns, watching people mowing their lawns, hanging up their laundry, kids walking to I dunno. I love being in places I may never have heard of, or only knew them from maps (I'm so geeky, I simply adore reading maps). In these places, I see people who go on about their daily lives. Do they watch the same TV shows as I do? Do they use the same laundry detergent? What do they do for fun?

Taking turns with Husband, I drove my family and my parents to the Ottawa Valley, near Pembroke. We were going up there for Baby Sister and Home Chef's wedding reception number three.

Baby Sister mailed our dad Mapquest directions, but I thought I should find alternate routes. Google Earth had some great ones (and you can kind of see landmarks, too). But I know my dad. If the directions Baby Sister sent were approved by Home Chef, who lived out that way, then those directions are gospel.

It started out okay. We picked up the folks at Middle Sister's house which is right off the 401, so it wasn't out of the way for us to travel. And our first stop was at the McDonald's nearby. It wouldn't be the first time we stopped at a McYuck's, sadly. In fact, after this one breakfast, I instead chose to starve rather than eat there.

Mum called me the afternoon before to tell me she got some snack foods in the car. Of course, I didn't expect it all to be junk food. That's not like her. Thankfully, I packed some water and apples. Okay, the cheesies, cookies and licorice went first.

Husband drove through to Bancroft, about 4 hours and a bit, making one stop in a little spit called Woodview so Daughter could stretch her legs. We were hoping for a bathroom, but they didn't have any. Everyone poured out of the car at the Bancroft McDonald's and make a beeline for the can. Unfortunately, it was just a single john per sex, and I think someone was having a baby in the women's bathroom. Daughter was just about ready to burst so we took her to the men's room.

By this time, Baby Boy's mosquito bitten ear developed an allergic reaction and was swelled up and all cauliflowered. Luckily, we were within walking distance to the drugstore where we got some topical cream for the little guy.

I drove the rest of the way, with my dad navigating. We stopped, per Mum's request, at Madonna House to praise God and sacrifice ourselves to the mosquitos and black flies. Hopped back in the car. Everyone fell asleep except for me (of course) and Dad, who navigated using the archaic Mapquest directions which took us down the windiest, bumpiest backroads in the province of Ontario.

We happily pulled into the hamlet. I spotted the Chinese diner the party was going to be at. Dad shuddered. He hates Chinese food, mostly due to all the buildings he worked on in Toronto's Chinatown. He got an eyeful, lemme tell you. And he's never been one for places out in the middle of nowhere. "Vermin," he explains.

Our cottage, cabin, whatever, was great. Daughter went in first as I was talking with Baby Sister and her friend. Daughter bolted out, "Come see our cottage, Mum. It's the most beautiful one we've ever been to!" And she was right. The sheets were thin but the rest was lux.

At the last minute, I packed the kids' bathing suits. I was Mother of the Year for a nanosecond for that. The kids had a great time swimming in the lake, collecting very nice rocks and playing in the red sand. The water was warm, too.

Daughter and I played a little Taboo with Baby Sister and her girlfriends (pop culture whore that I am, I loved that game) and, before I knew it, it was time to get ready for dinner. I set out the family's clothes, slipped into a sundress, much to my mother's delight ("Thank goodness you aren't going in that stupid bowling shirt!" Never mind that I just got a compliment from one of Home Chef's drinking buddies). I helped flat iron Baby Sister's hair while talking to her friend about BodyPump classes. How neat is it that two people from opposite sides of this very large province are as equally enthusiastic about the same exercise class?

And dinner was nice! Home Chef's mum went to a lot of trouble, but you could just tell that the night meant the world to her. The woman just beamed. She made wedding favours of gourmet peanuts and framed wedding pictures for everyone, and even made special favours for my three kids. Each got a box of Smarties, a fruit leather and a magnet of their aunt and uncle.

We were shown a DVD Home Chef's mum commissioned me to do. It was a whack of photos of the couple through the years, set to music. No one could figure out how to amplify the sound, but we got the projector working. "Jennifer, you're a marvel!" Home Chef's dad said to me. "How was it that you were able to put hair back on my head?"

After dinner, we all piled back to the cabin. Baby Sister, Home Chef and some friends were right next door to us. Husband and Baby Boy were very tired, so they went to bed, as did my mum who had no interest in watching the hockey game. But the rest of us found a place to sit and watch the Senators beat the Ducks. Daughter fell asleep during the second period, pretty much curling up on the sofa. Middle Child, however, has finally found an interest in hockey. Okay, it's all about the statistics for him and not so much the moves, but he just loved watching a game with tons of fans. Oh, and that everyone was drinking. There must have been four two-fours as well as boxes o' wine. And they were all gone. Home Chef left the empties in the cabin when they left. "Nice tip," my dad told him.

We had breakfast together where Middle Child went for the buffet and had, I think, four platefuls as well as dessert. Home Chef's mother couldn't believe it. Mind you, I think my nephew D could do the same if he were there.

And then we went home. I drove four hours, putting up with my mother who is the world's worst backseat driver.

"Slow down! So what if you're going the speed limit. It's too fast!"

"Can't you find a smooth part of the road?"

"You took that corner too sharply."

This went on and on. I blocked her out for most of it, but there were times when even my dad would turn around and tell her to shut up because she's distracting. Honestly, I drove my very best. I was unfamiliar with the road and I had a carload of loved ones in my care. But when we pulled into Peterborough, everyone was pretty testy. We all needed a break. Signs for rest stops were straight, but the directions said to turn. Dad told me to turn. I turned.

"Why the hell did you do that for? Didn't you see the signs?"

So I turned off the highway at a sign that said it had every fast food joint known to Canada. I asked where everyone wanted to go, but there was no preference. "Take your pick, honey," Dad said. So I pulled into an A & W that was easy to access and looked easy to reenter the highway.

"NO!" yelled Mum. "Not here! We don't like it here!"

I jammed on the brakes, threw the car in "park" and got out of the car. "I've had it with you and all your orders! If you think you can do a better job driving, there's the wheel."

I ended up playing Solitaire on my iPod all the way back to Middle Sister's home. I could have kissed the asphalt.